As the Deer... Is actually PRETTY bummed out.

I’m sure pretty much anyone who might read this has heard, and likely knows by heart, the song As The Deer.  This song has been popular for decades.  It’s based off of Psalm 42, which, in the TNIV, starts “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.  Overall, it’s a pretty positive song.  It talks about how intensely the singer wants to worship God, how intimate of a relationship they have with God, and how good God is.  It’s a great song.  But have you ever really read the Psalm that the first line is taken out of?

Check it out.  I find it quite interesting and inspiring.

This is a pretty broad generalization, but quite often in churches today, sadness is discouraged.  We are supposed to be happy because we follow and serve a good God.  We are supposed to take delight in the joy of our salvation, which often is taken to mean that we are not supposed to get depressed or discouraged.  Put on your happy face and sing a happy song.  Even this song “based off of” Psalm 42 is a pretty happy song.  But I want to take another look at this portion of scripture.

The first couple lines are fairly familiar.  Lines about thirsting for more of God.  Yep.  Good stuff (but doesn’t thirsting imply that you don’t have enough to satisfy?).  But then we get to verse 3.  This is where the classic song and the Psalm part ways.  The Psalmist writes that “tears have been my food day and night.”  He isn’t really putting on a happy face and singing a happy song.  Apparently, life has been pretty rough lately and he hasn’t been feeling so hunky dory.  This guy is hurting.  Tears have been my food?  Ouch.

He then reminisces in verse 4 about the good times when he would go to the temple and join in on the festivities, shouting and praising God.  Isn’t that all too familiar?  Remembering how God used to be close.  Remembering those times when you were so caught up in the goodness of God that you felt completely satisfied just knowing that you were created by the beautiful God and redeemed by this incredibly loving savior.  Those were good times, but where did they go?  Sometimes I find it pretty hard to figure out how God can seem so incredibly close and intimate sometimes, but then glaringly absent at other times.  Moving on…

Next, the Psalmist does something in verse 5 that I resonate with in huge ways.  He questions his OWN soul… His OWN feelings.  “Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why are you so disturbed within me?”  When I am feeling “downcast and disturbed,” this is my most common response.  I question why I have to feel like this.  I question why I’m so messed up on the inside.  But then I often do the same thing as the Psalmist: I encourage myself to put my hope in God and still praise Him who is my Savior and My God.

However, unlike many Psalms that follow the formula, “I cried out to God and he heard me and delivered me,” this one is different.  After the Psalmists little personal pep talk, he returns to his grief.  He can’t shake it, despite the knowledge that God is good and worthy of praise.

In verse 7 he talks about feeling like he has been swept underneath the waves, and that deep cries out to deep.  I think he’s talking about that deep longing that we experience when we feel ourselves sinking further and further and we long for God’s hand to reach down and pull us out.  Deep cries out to Deep.

Again, he looks on the bright side in Verse 8, but then plunges back into his broken spirit. “Why have you forgotten me?”  Why must I go about mourning?”  “My bones suffer mortal agony…”

He ends the Psalm with his thrice repeated questioning of the condition of his downcast soul, and wraps things up with his weakly hopeful self-motivational speech.

I really FEEL this Psalm.  It’s not neat; It’s SUPER messy.  Grief and mourning are mixed with hope and praise.  In my mind, it is holistic worship.  It engages ALL of the worshipper, not just the neat  and tidy parts where she has it all together, but also the hurting parts and the questioning parts.

As the Deer is a good song, but I think our services need to occasionally reflect and acknowledge the messy truth in Psalm 42.

Restoration and Depression. Explain that one, please, God.

I am SO all about this whole “redemptive,” “resorative,” love of Jesus that fills us up when we’re empty and puts us back together when we’re broken and completes us when we feel deficient.  I truly believe that THAT is what Jesus desires for each and every one of us.  He came that we may have life, and have it to the fullest.

Thank you Jesus, truly.

Whether we admit it or not, we are all deficient.  We are all lacking.  We are all broken and hideous.  We can mask it pretty well, but when you cut to the core of who we are, all have fallen (far) short of the glory of God.  Believe me, you don’t have to tell me twice that I am a screw up and a failure and that I am broken and in need of fixing.

So I turn to Jesus, who redeems us, who lifts us out of the miry clay.  I turn to that peace and joy that I have felt so often in my life.  Most of the time, when I hit bottom, I eventually turn to Jesus and he assures me that I am not so ugly.  In fact, he tells me I’m beautiful and that through my love and obedience to him, I am an heir with Christ.

Okay, this is all SO awesome.  I believe this stuff.

But where is God in depression?  I have seen beautiful people that desire to serve God and be a light to others completely crippled and debilitated by the muck and mire of depression.  I have felt its effects (pretty significantly) both secondhand and firsthand.  God, where are you when your people (who desire you so intensely) are stuck down in the dark pit?

God is healer.  God is redeemer.  God is our lover that wants us to love Him and to call on Him when we are in need.

I know we can’t understand how God works all the time, but I REALLY don’t understand stuff like this.  Shouldn’t we be able to call out in faith and be lifted out of the darkness?  How are we supposed to be a Light of the World or a City on a Hill and shine the good news to the world when we are shut up in the darkness of depression.  Where is the restoration and redemption?

Again, I truly believe in that restoration and redemption.  I just have some questions for God about that subject.  Please pray for healing for all those who are struggling with depression.

A Faith TOO Strong?

So I feel like sometimes I WANT to doubt, but I’m so secure in my faith and so assured that God knows what he’s doing that I CAN’T doubt.  I’m able to tell myself, “Okay Josh.  I know life sucks right now and you have that hopeless, bottomless pit feeling in your stomach, but (here is where the clichés start ROLLING in) God is in Control. I just need to Let Go and Let God.   His Ways are So Much Higher Than Our Ways.  (Insert overused, probably misused reference to Romans 8:28 HERE).

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I believe those things.  Those things are true.  Those things are reassuring.  Those things are beautiful.  I love the fact that there is peace and comfort to be found there.  But here’s where I really start to sound insane:  Sometimes, when my faith is SO strong and I’m not concerned about the fact that life sucks (because of my God is in Control mantras), I start to doubt my faith BECAUSE it is so strong.  I look at the circumstances and think “Am I just deluding myself?  It sure doesn’t SEEM like God is in control.  Have I just given myself a crutch to lean on by continually lying to myself about “God’s Plan for My Life?”

Yes, I do realize that’s pretty ridiculous.  Doubting your own faith because you believe what you believe so STRONGLY?  Ugh.  Maybe I’m just playing mind games with myself, but I can’t get around it.

So how do I deal with this vicious cycle of faith and doubting BECAUSE of faith?  At this point, I’m not convinced I’ll be able to prove to myself 100% that I’m NOT lying to myself.  I might be stuck in this weird circle forever, simply due to the nature of the problem itself.  But, I do know that in Matthew, Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself (Matt 6).   I do know that we are told to trust in the Lord with all our heart and not lean on our own understanding (Prov. 3).  I know I’m supposed to cast all my cares upon God, because God cares about me (1 Peter 5).

Somewhere within my limited knowledge and often faltering trust in God’s power and amidst my doubts about the validity of our claims about God’s power, God chooses to bless me with peace.  That peace is not always there, but when it comes, it’s previous absence makes the fact that it is there even more incredible.  Philippians 4 says that if we present our requests to God (doesn’t he know already?), then the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus.  This sounds like a lot of spiritual mumbo jumbo, but I absolutely CANNOT argue with it.  Philippians 4:7 is probably the main reason that I call myself a Christian.  I have felt that peace too many times to deny its reality.  Sometimes, the trust and calmness I have about a situation makes me doubt, but other times, the peace that that trust and calmness brings is so unbelievably intense, that I cannot deny that it comes from Christ Jesus.  I cannot deny that Paul knew exactly what he was talking about in his letter to the Philippians.

I know not everyone has experienced this.  I know there are plenty of arguments against my logic.  But for me, it is enough to believe.

(most of the time)