Tonight, during my fifteen-minute car ride home, I relived my high school relationship. Listening to Dashboard Confessional and driving 75 mph, just like I did every weekend of my HS career, I remembered things I’ve tried not to remember, and dug up memories that had not surfaced for the five-plus years that have transpired since their originations. As I cycled through feelings of warmth, sadness, regret, nostalgia, and confusion, I found myself wondering why I don’t “remember” these things anymore. I mean, sure, the memories are there and I CAN remember them when I want to, but honestly, for five years, I mostly have NOT wanted to remember.
I am an emotional guy. There is no denying it. I feel things hardcore. When I am sad, I am more than likely DEVASTATED. When I am in a good mood, I am probably giddy and weird. It’s just the way I am. I live a life of highs and lows, mountains and valleys. Because of this, I am starting to think that I don’t look back on things and dig up old memories because it’s too much of a roller-coaster ride for me.
The good times I look back on and LONG for. I LONG for driving home late at night, singing Dashboard Confessional songs to my high school sweetheart sleeping with her head on my lap. I long for summer days spent down by the river, swimming for hours and listening to cassette tapes of Savage Garden. I long to sit talking for an extra hour in the car when I drop her off at night.
But the bad times still hurt. I don’t want to relive the pain of a relationship slowly burning to the ground. I don’t want to think about making someone I care about cry. I don’t want to think about walking away from something that meant so much to me.
So how do I deal with the past? Most of the time, I just avoid the past. I live with the overall emotion. I am affected by the big picture, the broad strokes, but I avoid the details. I suppress the events that incited the emotions.
Is this what I want, though? Do I want to live a life that refuses to recognize the events that shaped me? Do I go on living with only select moments of my past intact? I don’t believe that’s what I want. As hard as it is for me to FEEL those things again, I think my life can be richer and more meaningful if I acknowledge the beautiful and painful events that have propelled me to where I am at today. To purposefully forget would be to lie to myself.
May the memories of the past help me shape a future worth remembering.
