So I feel like sometimes I WANT to doubt, but I’m so secure in my faith and so assured that God knows what he’s doing that I CAN’T doubt. I’m able to tell myself, “Okay Josh. I know life sucks right now and you have that hopeless, bottomless pit feeling in your stomach, but (here is where the clichés start ROLLING in) God is in Control. I just need to Let Go and Let God. His Ways are So Much Higher Than Our Ways. (Insert overused, probably misused reference to Romans 8:28 HERE).
Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe those things. Those things are true. Those things are reassuring. Those things are beautiful. I love the fact that there is peace and comfort to be found there. But here’s where I really start to sound insane: Sometimes, when my faith is SO strong and I’m not concerned about the fact that life sucks (because of my God is in Control mantras), I start to doubt my faith BECAUSE it is so strong. I look at the circumstances and think “Am I just deluding myself? It sure doesn’t SEEM like God is in control. Have I just given myself a crutch to lean on by continually lying to myself about “God’s Plan for My Life?”
Yes, I do realize that’s pretty ridiculous. Doubting your own faith because you believe what you believe so STRONGLY? Ugh. Maybe I’m just playing mind games with myself, but I can’t get around it.
So how do I deal with this vicious cycle of faith and doubting BECAUSE of faith? At this point, I’m not convinced I’ll be able to prove to myself 100% that I’m NOT lying to myself. I might be stuck in this weird circle forever, simply due to the nature of the problem itself. But, I do know that in Matthew, Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself (Matt 6). I do know that we are told to trust in the Lord with all our heart and not lean on our own understanding (Prov. 3). I know I’m supposed to cast all my cares upon God, because God cares about me (1 Peter 5).
Somewhere within my limited knowledge and often faltering trust in God’s power and amidst my doubts about the validity of our claims about God’s power, God chooses to bless me with peace. That peace is not always there, but when it comes, it’s previous absence makes the fact that it is there even more incredible. Philippians 4 says that if we present our requests to God (doesn’t he know already?), then the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. This sounds like a lot of spiritual mumbo jumbo, but I absolutely CANNOT argue with it. Philippians 4:7 is probably the main reason that I call myself a Christian. I have felt that peace too many times to deny its reality. Sometimes, the trust and calmness I have about a situation makes me doubt, but other times, the peace that that trust and calmness brings is so unbelievably intense, that I cannot deny that it comes from Christ Jesus. I cannot deny that Paul knew exactly what he was talking about in his letter to the Philippians.
I know not everyone has experienced this. I know there are plenty of arguments against my logic. But for me, it is enough to believe.
(most of the time)
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